New Story – The Guinness Book of Stupidity

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I probably shouldn’t be telling you any of this. The G-woman scared the bejeesus out of me and consequently the whole project was put aside. It was 2005, just after my book A History of Nougat was published. It hadn’t done anything by way of sales so I was casting around for some freelance magazine work.

“Human stupidity has a long tradition,” I said without much idea whether that was true. “For example in 1567 Hans Steininger died when he broke his neck after tripping over his own beard.”

“Go on.” This is Ed Montalto, founder of Fandango Magazine where I’d once been an intern.

“Sweden had a king who ate himself to death in 1771 – the meal concluded with 14 servings of his favorite dessert hetvägg.”

“Is it poisonous?” he asked.

“No it’s some kind of cream bun served in hot milk.”

“My doctor says dairy will get you,” replied Ed dryly.

“In 1871 Clement Vallandigham, a lawyer defending a man on a charge of murder, accidentally shot himself while demonstrating how the victim might have shot himself.

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Good Help

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“Kel, it’s your poster-boy Mohammed.”

This is Neil, the human resources manager – a competent smartass.

“Jesus,” I said.

“No, Mohammed,” replied Neil dryly.

“How did you get a job in HR with your complete lack of interest in people?” I asked.

He ignored the question. “What do you want to do?”

I looked at the time, 8:50 a.m. “I’ll meet you down there. Let Tori know I’m coming.”

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Good Help

Champions of Breakfast

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champions fork

The lights came up. The producer counted them down.

“We’re on in five, four, three…” He counted the last two silently with his fingers and then threw to Bud Carryman.

“Hi there food fans, welcome to round five of World Series Buffet, coming to you from the Cancun Grande Hotel in sunny Mexico. This is Montezuma’s Revenge round and players will be looking to spice things up when they hit the breakfast buffet this morning.”

Bud Carryman was a sports journalism major and former offensive tackle from Texas A&M University. He was a large man from a world of large men, and was now tightly packed into a suit and tie. He was holding a Cable Sports Network microphone and standing next to an attractive though waif-thin middle-aged woman. Both of them were wearing sports-caster headphones.

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Champions of Breakfast

1:32 Scale

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1-32 scale (1)

The first sign of trouble was when the Six Million Dollar Man appeared in Jason’s cubicle at work.

“Is that the one with the bionic eye?”

This is Phil, Jason’s best friend. Phil is still married.

“Yeah,” said Jason.

Phil looked around. “Tell me bud, what the hell are you going to do with a Six Million Dollar Man doll? At work?”

Phil had a point; Jason was 41.

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1:32 Scale

Catwalk Empire

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My heart sank, as it always did around great beauty. Chloe Hellmann was without doubt the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. For the last 15 years there would have been security guards preventing me from getting within 100 feet of her. Now she was sitting across from me in my new office. At this point I need to tell you I am not an attractive man: I am 50, balding and smell of divorce.

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Catwalk Empire

New Story – State Actors

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state-actors-2

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS

“Yes Senator, that’s correct. I am a director with the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Well you have to understand the backstory. Think back to 9/11. We were scrambling to get people doing something, anything. You also have to realise the enormous gap between perception and reality on this topic. The number one thing Americans fear is dying in a terrorist attack. And yet, the actual probability is like one in 20 million.”

“That’s right it’s tiny. That’s about the same probability as being killed by a vending machine, or IKEA furniture.”

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Collected Stories – just the funny ones

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Collection Cover

A few friends have asked me for a collection of my short stories, so here are nine of my favorites:

20160709 Jeff at the kitchen table – collection

Swizzle and Spit
1:32 Scale
Champions of Breakfast
Our Lady of Five Fires
Catwalk Empire
Grenade Fishing in The Andaman
Nixon, Mao and the Harbin Globetrotters
Good Help
The Year of West Indian Lime

Espresso

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Espresso Film Blue

It was love at first grind.

When rockstar coffee roaster and café owner Austin falls for new customer Marion, he must listen to his heart (and another major organ) or risk missing out on the unexpected love of his life.

Austin runs the finest café and roasting house in the toughest coffee town in the world – Melbourne. He’s a windswept and interesting sort with a tendency toward getting in his own way.

The object of his affection is the lovely Marion, a newly-minted associate professor at Melbourne University. She’s new to town, left someone behind and is still trying on her new life for size.

With the help of his straight-shooting head barista Jennifer and his chameleon-like cook Felix, Austin might just be able to act natural long enough to win Marion’s affection.

Espresso is a film about attraction between two self-made people. And the daily pleasure of superb coffee.

INT. THE CAFE – DAY

JENNIFER
Skinny Serpico Doobie! Depth
Charge Latte! Hillbilly and a Why
Bother service up!

DING! As Austin passes her, she has his coffee ready.

JENNIFER (CONT’D)
And a Facemelter for the boss.

Austin, still sleepy, gives her a tiny wave.

AUSTIN
Gimme a moment?

He takes the double ristretto to his perch at the end of the counter, inhales the aroma, and grows an inch taller with each sip.

AUSTIN (CONT’D)
Hmmm, a holy Facemelter,
Jennifer.

Austin’s lights begin to twinkle. He clicks into gear for the day ahead.

Read the full script here: Espresso Script

New Story – The Year of West Indian Lime

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West Indian Lime

There was The Year of Nivea for Men, The Year of Joop and sadly, The Year of Blue Stratos (and I didn’t even own a hang glider). This last January I turned forty-five. For my previous three birthdays the twins walked to the local pharmacy and bought me some kind of fragrance gift pack. This year it was to be The Year of West Indian Lime.

“Bit of an old man’s fragrance?” said Suzanne (in jest, I hoped).

“Cheeky cow!” I replied in jest.

The two girls were piled on top of us in bed amid the torn wrapping paper.

“Ready for breakfast in bed Daddy-o?” asked Pip.

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New Story – Good Help

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Good Help

“Kel, it’s your poster-boy Mohammed.”

This is Neil, the human resources manager – a competent smartass.

“Jesus,” I said.

“No, Mohammed,” replied Neil dryly.

“How did you get a job in HR with your complete lack of interest in people?” I asked.

He ignored the question. “What do you want to do?”

I looked at the time, 8:50 a.m. “I’ll meet you down there. Let Tori know I’m coming.”

***

“I’m going to have to notify WorkSafe – plant overturning.”

This is Tori, the newly-minted safety adviser still finding her voice – a Cook Islander who looked out of place in the freezer. I looked at the forklift truck. It was cantered over on two wheels.

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