New Story – Grenade Fishing in the Andaman

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grenadefishing1

Call me Al. I was drinking with Oliver in a bamboo hut on the beach at Crawford’s Place and well into my second ice-cold Chang. It was late afternoon in July and the air was magically clean with the passing of one of the first storms of the wet season. I’d been in Thailand about a year, working as the sous chef at the new Andaman Pearl resort in Phang Nga province. Everything was right with the world.

“Secrets of the kitchen,” I said, “you don’t want to know!”

“Give me an example. I can handle it,” said Oliver.

“Alright, I’ll start you off easy. Bread and butter pudding,” I offered.

“Okay,” said Oliver.

“I’ve seen it made from yesterday’s pastries.”

“That’s not so bad.”

“Club sandwich.”

“I’ve been known to eat them,” said Oliver, “and I ain’t even a member!”

“Leftover bacon from the breakfast buffet,” I said.

“Same day?”

“Not necessarily.”

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New Story – L’etranger – The Foreigner

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The Foreigner

Marc was not his real name. The first thing that surprised him about The Farm was how little the instructors cared about his individual performance. They didn’t care if he was first at something, or fastest at something, or best at something. They were, however very interested in how well he worked with others. Once, when he filled only his own water bottle, he was berated for his selfishness.

Porc égoïste!” shouted the Corporal.

Helping others was not an easy thing to learn for a young man who had survived the darker streets of Amsterdam. It was late afternoon, winter at The Farm. Marc was standing at attention, shivering in the freezing rain with 45 other recruits. His body ached from the day’s exertions. His thoughts turned to a hot shower and the evening meal, served as always with wine.

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New Story – Haneda Fading

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Haneda Fading

Shota had not seen his parents for two years, although they lived in the next room. In the early evening he stood silently at his bedroom door, listening. He slid the paper screen open an inch and waited; there was nobody. He opened the door wider so he could bend down and pick up the tray. On the tray was a bowl of chirashi – a home-style recipe of sushi rice with smoked salmon, avocado and egg – and a pot of green tea. He returned to his room, slid the door shut and ate his meal in silence.

Shota’s mother blamed herself. And why not, everyone else did, including Japanese society and Shota’s father. “Amae”, his father spat, using the emotive word for the co-dependant collusion between mother and son. Every day Shota’s mother tried to imagine the reason for her son’s withdrawal, tried to calculate the moment his life stalled. Sadly, the root cause was unknowable to her. The truth was it was such a small thing that had such profound consequences. Like the leaking sink in the airliner galley that causes a chain of events that leads to the crash; the complex machine destroyed by drops of water.

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New Story – How to Make Chinese Tea

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howtomaketea

Since becoming a father I think a lot about what it means to be a man. I also think about the very short list of things I wouldn’t do to protect my family. Sung Be was a Chinese father I knew. ‘Be’ is pronounced bay, and means ‘horse’ in the Teo Chew dialect. People say Mr Be lived three lives in one. He was the quintessential man of few words. He knew how to grow vegetables. He taught me how to make Chinese tea. And he let me marry his youngest of eight daughters.

Mr Be’s first life was in China. He was born in Swatow in 1931. This was a time of great political unrest in China. It was a generation before the founding of the People’s Republic, but only a generation since the fall of the Qing Dynasty’s two thousand year rule. His mother died when he was 5 and his father migrated to Cambodia in search of a better life. He was left behind in China and raised as the youngest child in his Grandmother’s household – the wrong side of the family tree in Chinese culture. He was last in line to be served at the dinner table, was beaten by his uncle and forced to work long days in the rice fields. He tried to better his circumstances by going into the countryside and buying eggs, selling them at a small profit and investing the money in rice, which held its value better than the hyper-inflating currency. Imagine that, a 14 year old starting a business to lift himself out of poverty.

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New Story – Catwalk Empire

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Catwalk Empire 1

My heart sank, as it always did around great beauty. Chloe Hellmann was without doubt the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. For the last 15 years there would have been security guards preventing me from getting within 100 feet of her. Now she was sitting across from me in my new office. At this point I need to tell you I am not an attractive man: I am 50, balding and smell of divorce.

I got my start in recruitment in 1989 with William Russell Staffing, the original and biggest New York employment agency. It was a charnel house, but it taught me the game: how to cold call; spot a vacancy before the client knew they had one; collect a commission; and never pay a refund. Ex-Russell employees went on to create some of the big-name staffing agencies in the city today: Harrison Anderson and Associates, Le Stat and Louis, Girl Tuesday and Roquefort & Labne. But not me, I was the loyal journeyman, a 60 hour a week veteran with a work ethic that put an end to my marriage. I thought I’d see out my career at Russell’s as Vice President of Special Projects, but I should have known that job title has always meant the Kiss of Death. Six months ago I was shown the writing on the wall, and shortly thereafter the door.

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Nixon, Mao and the Harbin Globetrotters

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Basketball

“The greatest game of basketball ever played”. At least that’s what Henry let slip at The Godfather premiere. It’s taken me more than 40 years to piece it all together. At first I dismissed it as an impossibility. I mean really, a Top-Secret, USA v China basketball game in front of Nixon and Mao, in Beijing, during the historic visit in ‘72. When I pressed Henry on it he went all national security on me. But there was a glint in his eye. I’m a sports writer and basketball nut, so the tantalising possibility of such a game has kept me intrigued for four decades. And when I thought about it, Henry certainly had the connections to pull it off. I’m not just talking about the trips to China, significant though they were. There was no doubt Henry was a world-class diplomat, but he was also a first-class schmoozer with impeccable showbiz connections. If anyone could arrange the Harlem Globetrotters, it was he. Henry’s second slip came in 1985 when he conceded Ron might have some Super 8 footage. I tried for years to get in to see the former Press Secretary, but with Watergate and all, Ron wasn’t returning calls.

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Chateau de Woody

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Outside the chateau

Outside the chateau

A 6 km hike along the Tiger Leaping Gorge brings you to Chateau de Woody in Walnut Grove. The hiking was quite relaxed (our guide wore plastic shower slippers) and we arrived at Walnut Grove in the early afternoon. The chateau is a three-storey concrete block structure painted yellow. It overlooks the little village of Walnut Grove perched between the low road and the Yangzi River. Each of the dozen stone farmhouses appear self-sufficient with their apple and walnut trees, terraced corn, chickens and pigs. The local horses wear clunking bells. Woody is the entrepreneur of Walnut Grove. We didn’t see him until the next day. Mrs Woody met us on the road in and showed us to the accommodation block. Woody’s restaurant over the road is a great place to stare at the opposing sheer cliffs of the Tiger Leaping Gorge. The only vegetation on the opposite side is narrow stands of bamboo. The brown Yangzi flows quickly past Walnut Grove in a series of rapids. We sat out on the lookout at the stone tables and had some beers. The garden at Woody’s comprised walnuts, apples, chilli and marijuana. The restaurant menu offered something called ganja butter. It is possible that Woody’s entrepreneur-ism extends beyond the hospitality industry. Although, it must be said I saw marijuana growing wild throughout Yunnan province. With no power at Walnut Grove the gorge gets dark quite early. I had a wash in a very basic shower block with a fire sprinkler nozzle. I turned in after a terrific dinner of shredded potato with ginger and spring onion, chicken with peanuts and pork with chilli. I fell asleep to the smell of candle wax and the sounds of the giant cicadas. And a small tribe of children played happily until well into the mild night.

The Quaint Decipherability of Chinese English

Shekou

Photo: Outside the “Homan” Resources Market Shekou, China

I began my collection of Chinese-English in Hong Kong a couple of years ago. But nothing prepared me for the delightful Chinese-English in Lijiang. And please know that my enjoyment of Chinese-English is done with the understanding that maybe somewhere in the world is a language where a jeff burns is a hairy backside. Lijiang’s Yu Yuan Bread Room was quaintly decipherable as a bakery (and Bread Room I dare say would be hip enough to hold its own in New York City). Over the road was the intriguing Cake World of the Sweet Wheat Smell Park. A restaurant called Short of One Taste seemed to admit up front they hadn’t quite got the recipe right. I suspect the No.2 Market on South Outskirt was so named to save them printing a map. Similarly the name of the Long Pan restaurant seemed to double as the dress code.
I guessed that the Minority Nationality Scene Amorous Feelings Choice store sold traditional love song music. I couldn’t begin to tell you what went on at the Crop Hospital or the Again Turn Around Sound Picture shop (maybe a video store?). The Fu Kang Greatness Drug Store was screaming for an ad campaign with the slogan, ‘I feel Fu Kang great after that herbal medicine.’ And God only knows what was on offer in the Sexual Health Tool Shop.

The 10 Rules for Driving in China

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Driving defines cultures. Depending on where you live it seems to me that you can regard driving in one of two ways – an activity goverened by rules (that can be learned and enforced) or an activity goverened by reflexes. I once spent 14 hours on a minibus in Yunan and I think Chinese driving falls into the latter. Drivers in China seem to have received the following briefing:
1. Assume you are the only one on the road until notified otherwise (usually by horn);
2. Don’t look back when someone blows their horn;
3. Take the racing line on all corners (yes, oncoming traffic will be doing the same);
4. There is an imaginary third lane in the centre of the roadway – this is the overtaking lane;
5. You are expected to overtake;
6. Not to overtake reflects poorly on you as a driver;
7. Overtake early and overtake often;
8. When two overtaking vehicles approach each other an imaginary fourth lane will appear, also in the middle of the road;
9. Waiting for a gap in the traffic before overtaking is not an efficient use of your time, just pull out; and
10. Pedestrian crossings simply concentrate pedestrians. You are under no obligations to stop for them.

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Mils and the Francis Barker M73

Mils and the Francis Barker M73

So you’ve heard of 360 degrees in a circle, but what about 6400 mils? Mils divide the circle into 6400 units – roughly 1m at 1000m.
As a young artillery officer the Francis Barker M73 was one of my most essential pieces of kit – basically an antique, but still the best of its type.